Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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