He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
