You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
