you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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