I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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