her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
