remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize