i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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