it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
she told me i tasted like america
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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