Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
