Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
