Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
