Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
