I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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