i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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