looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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