were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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