Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
