I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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