I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
