Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
