I'm so fucking centered right now
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
