Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
