The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
