omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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