I just threw up on my dentist
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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