I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
