I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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