peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Two words: blizzard sex
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
