if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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