I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
