Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
