I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
