What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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