Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
What changed your mind?
Being sober
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
