I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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