I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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