Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
