Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
