My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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