Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
