apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
