I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
