Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
