I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
