The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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