Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize