The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize