so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
