I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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