So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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