Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
