you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
