I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
