cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
