I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
